Go Out, Doubt.

MONDAY, JANUARY 28

Doubt creeps in the moment we lose our focus on our original intention.

Think of it in terms of relationships. You could be so happy, you're with your soul mate, life is wonderful. Hugs and kisses, xoxo, and all that. Then she does something you don't like and you forget. You forget how she helps you through the darkness. You forget how she loves you even when you don't love yourself. You forget. And then doubt creeps in. One moment you have all the reasons to be in the relationship, the next you find all the reasons not to be.

It's all about doubt. Why? Because you forget why you were in the relationship in the first place.

Today is your chance to remember. Remind yourself of what you receive from your significant relationships. Connect to the seed of goodness and cast out the doubt. - - Yehuda Berg

I liked this piece and I thought, that it couldn't have come at a better time after I was questioning for how long will I be running around, instead of others running around me. I think that perhaps in my last life, I was a demaning person, maybe even an arrogant Queen / Princess, who gave orders and made people jump.

Who knows?

Enjoy!

***********

What Goes Around

We've all got baggage. Everyone has a war story from their childhood. Granted, some are worse than others, but we are all prisoners of patterns that were formed in our early years.

But the baggage also goes back further than youth. We're talking past lifetimes. If you think reincarnation is new age nonsense, you might want to delete this email now. I won't be offended.

If you're still reading, then you connect with the idea that your soul is on an eternal journey - and it has made some bad choices along the way. Again, some worse than others.

This soul baggage manifests as negative repetitive patterns. The question is, how do we know when it's a childhood thing, and when it's a past life thing? Easy. If it's from this lifetime, it's possible to connect the dots. If it's from another lifetime, the dots don't line up.

Let me explain. Let's say you feel abused by your boss. If you take an honest look at yourself, it's possible you will connect it to the heavy hand you laid on your little brother as a child. Or, if your clients are cheating you out of your money, maybe it's because you cheated to get into law school. Again, these are simple examples, but I'm sure you have your own A-HA! moments of discovering the link between today and yesterday.

But there are those times when no matter how hard you search, you just can't put it together. It's illogical. Actually, the word you are probably more familiar with is UNFAIR. Going back to the above examples, if your boss is abusing you and you can't locate its counterpart in the past, then perhaps you were the overbearing boss in a previous lifetime and now it's time to pay off that overdue karmic debt. Or maybe in a past life you were bilking people out of their life savings so now it's time to balance the scales. Who knows? You do.

Because it's illogical, you need illogical tools to help you see. That's where the 72 Names of God and the Zohar come into play. Our ego is so good at hiding the truth from us, so we need spiritual tools to delve beneath the layers of hidden memories.

When the light bulb goes off - and it will if you scan and ask the Light to show you what you are not seeing - it's important to know that you don't have to be resigned to dealing with that tikune (literally, correction) forever. Recognizing and embracing it is how you discharge it.

This week, take a cold hard look at the repetitive patterns and unjust situations in your life. Connect the dots. Engage the tikune process - instead of resisting it. If you can enjoy the cosmic balancing act - even be joyous in the fact that you get to pay this karmic debt now rather than later - then you can speed up the process and banish the patterns.

All the best,
Yehuda

Well, I spent my Sunday doing family stuff - and I think to an extent I was trying to find time for me - selfish? Yes. I want to finish my BCom Degree and I want to complete my Internal IBM Management education, so I can progress in my career - but without sacrifice, I am not going to get anywhere.

I don't want to give my time to being Mom's taxi and Family PA - doing the bills, following up on Doc's appointments, doing the grocery shopping etc..etc..etc.. I don't want to do the laundary and the cleaning and cooking.... I want to study, I want to be pampered and spoiled in my free time and I want to be able to read and go shopping - Spoiled?... yes!

I have spent 18 years of my life being single mom - enough is enough... mid life crisis? Perhaps yes! :-) haha!

I have become selfish. But I have my guiding light that will lead me right.... Maybe I just need a vacation - which reminds me that since 2004, I have not taken a proper vacation. Although I went to Hong Kong in 2006, it was just a week and a very busy week.

I need to chill out completely before I follow the advice below :-)


Let Go of Yesterday

SUNDAY, JANUARY 27

One of my mother, and teacher, Karen Berg's favorite mantras is "Next. Next. Next."

As you expand your vessel (desire), there's going to be challenges and discomforts. You're going to get rejected and bruised. Your job is to grab your lessons and go. Next. Too many of us get unnecessarily weighed down by troubled pasts, broken relationships, and childhood traumas.

When a butterfly emerges from its cocoon, does it bring the cocoon with it? Next.

Today, let the rejection in. Feel the burn. Break the shells surrounding your soul. And remember to let go of them once they break. Next! - _Yehuda Berg

Last night was my first night out to the Theatre in many, many, many years. I think the last time I went to the theatre, was in 1996. After a long day, it was a lovely way to relax and enjoy the evening - away from books and work etc.

A work colleague kindly gave me her ticket, as she wasn't feeling up to going to the play.

I had never been to the Nelson Mandela Theatre before, and so it was my first time. WOW! It was really something! I picked out more brochures and I will definitely be going back.

The play was stunning! The sets were beautifully designed and the cast were superb. The singing was absolute heaven. I also met my Chiropractor and his wife ! :-) They had also come to watch the play.

I have heard of the movie Anna and the King, but I have never been able to watch it - for some reason, Chow Yeun Fat is not one my favortie actors and beside that, he disturbs my aura.... inexplicable but true. I once couldn't wait to run out of the movie house a long time ago when I took my kids to watch Bulletproof Monk. I can't stomach him.

Watching this play has made me curious to watch the movie. I'll have to be brave :-)

Also what I found was familair were the songs - 'Getting to know you' and 'Whislte a happy tune'. When my daughter was a baby (17yrs ago), I bought a series of nursary rhymes on video tape for her. So I was quite thrilled to know that those two songs which I particually liked, were actually from the musical.

It was a splendid evening - with great entertainment. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 26

There is a kabbalistic prayer that says, "listen to us because we are poor."

This is not referring to financial poverty, but rather a state of mind concerning appreciation and the reality of the Light. By being in a state of humility, we gain the realization that all sustenance and fulfillment comes from the Light.

Today, acknowledge your constant dependence on the Light's beneficence. Doing so allows you to receive more – and keep what you already have. - - Yehuda Berg

I am grateful for being blessed with the opportunity to have a beautiful evening, different to my usual routine.

I am grateful for all the people in my life.

I am grateful for my job and all the learning opportunities I have.

So I say, it's heavy enough that my day begins at 5am Mon - Fri, and now it has to begin at 5am on a Saturday too.

My daughter has been selected to participate in a Business program at a very reputable Business College - Gordon Institute of Business Science. She has to be at the college at 7am. Her progam ends at 4:15pm. This will continue until December 2008.

In between her schooling program, my son needs to driven to school for his sport fixtures on a Saturday AND a Sunday!

Will I have time to get married at all? I mean really.... ? One of my goals for this year, is to get married. How on earth will that ever materialise?

But - I hear God saying 'Patience' yeah Big Guy ... I'll be patient. :-)

On the home front, the new stove was installed finally on Thursday 17 Jan 08, however the old stove is now sitting in the passage - they have to remove that.

Tomorrow I am baking for my kids and the team - Cup cakes and Chocolate cake!

This week the load shedding has been quite bad. We didn't have electricity twice in the evening at home. My gym programe for those two days went right out the window. But, I managed to go to bed early.

My drive to school and work from my new place is about 30 mins max. Now with load shedding and the traffic lights being out, it takes me two hours.

After that hectic bout of traffic, there is nothing like chilling at the Koi pond for about 15 - 20 minutes before starting work.

When I first joined this department, from an audit perspective, we were not up to standard. After working everyone to the bone - myself included, we shaped up pretty nicely. The current audit that is taking place, has found the Supplier Management process with no issues!!!

I can't explain in more words how much that means to me. We literally broken in June 2006. Although we have come a long way, we still have a long way to go.

Yesterday was quite eventful too - more a laughing matter than anything, actualy. I left the office in the evening to fetch my son from school and ofcourse the car I am driving is a rented car, as my car is in the body shop after the accident.

The car that I drive, does not have a clear indication of how much fuel is left in the tank. I assumed I could stll do 20 kms on the fuel left in the tank - wrong!

Just as I fetched my son from school and was on my way to the garage, the car stopped dead on the street. Thank God it was a quiet street with office buildings and security guards all around the office buildings. I walked to the garage and got some help and after about half an hour, my son and I were on our way home.

Quite embarrassing though - to run out of fuel!

But I must remember this:

FRIDAY, JANUARY 25

Here's a thought: the Light loves you.

If the idea of Light or God is too abstract, put it in simple terms. Think of the boundless care a parent has for its child. This is how the Creator feels about you. It might not look or feel that way sometimes, but the disconnection is a trick of the five senses. Beyond it there is love. Only love.

And if the Light loves you - and believes in you – then how can you possibly doubt yourself?

Remember who you are today. And remember who loves ya' baby. - - Yehuda Berg.

I am grateful for the watchful eye of God in my life

I am grateful for all my friends and loved ones who keep me in their thoughts.

I am grateful for being blessed with friendships and relationships filled with caring, understanding, patience, tolerance and love.

I am grateful for my mom's medication being approved on Chronic. It will help a lot.

In the recent months - from mid Dec 2007, I have been employed on a part time basis doing the books for a small publishing business. The lady that I work for is such a lovely woman.

She is in her early to mid fifties and her actions has proved such a great amount of respect and caring toward me.

When I first went for my interview at her home based office, she was smoking in her little office. She asked me if I mind if she smoked, and ofcourse I said Yes, I do mind.

Since then, the first few weeks she smoked outside the office while I was there. The next few weeks she didn't smoke at all while I was there.

Today, I see she has gone on a Quit Smoking program!!!! She said, If it wasn't for me, she wouldn't have thought of doing it.

Today, she was cleaning out her office and the house and car. She is taking it slowly, but the entire process is quite involved. I hadn't realised how much work it took to quit smoking.

When I smoked for a period of about two years, I became grossly ill. My sinus' were stuffed, my throat used to bleed and I used to feel terrible. I hated the way I smelled too. I never smoked at home or around my kids. I smoked at my part time waitressing job with another waitress who was 10 yrs younger than I was!

When it came to a point of realising that I was making myself ill and hurting myself, I quit - cold turkey.

This process that my part time boss is going through is over a period of a few weeks, step by step very gradual. I was amazed at how much work it took to do this.

First, you have to ensure that cigarettes are not easily available.

Then you have to clean - literally, take down curtains, wash the carpets, dry clean your clothes to make sure the smoke smell is gone.

All this trouble - just out of respect for me and to live to my philosophy I shared with her - that the body is a temple, respect it.

I am so humbled at her gesture and at the same time so proud that I had such a big impact in her life.

I so love her! She is a lovely, lovely person. Imagine... it's such a huge personal sacrifice just to ensure I am not inconvenienced and in the same stride, she's giving herself a healthy body.


Here is today's quote:

SATURDAY, JANUARY 19

Where is God?

God is in you. God is around you. The only reason you cannot experience the full power of God's Light is because it is hidden behind a curtain. But the good news is that this curtain cannot diminish God's power. Think of it like this: if you were to cover a brightly shining lamp with several layers of cloth, the room would grow progressively darker. But the original light of the lamp would never change. Never.

Today, look for God. Like the light of the lamp, God's light is always there, shining brilliantly, and you always have access to it. - - Yehuda Berg


Things that I am grateful for:

I am extremely grateful for my kids and their ability to understand difficult situations

I am grateful for the food that has helped sustain my family and I for the day

I am grateful for my part time job and the lovely woman who gave me this opportunity.


What I am a little disappointed about:

The power failure in our area while at the gym. I planned to spend some time in the steam shower today after my workout and ofcourse it was pitch black in the bathrooms during the power failure, and I just had to grab my stuff somehow..... and leave.

But

I am grateful for this tactic - stick to the left side of the walls and although you can't see, you will eventually find a door! It was fun.

With Christmas being a time filled with gastic flu and sibling rivalry issues, my New Year turned out to be rather challenging.

My mum was admitted to hospital but this time it was a private hospital. The amount of difficulty experienced to get that right was quite scary. When you know you do not earn R20k every eight hours, you know you are unable to spend R20k every eight hours!!

The medical aid told me that there is a specific drug called Sindax that is not covered by them and this drug is administered per drip and the cost of one dosage is R20k which I will have to pay for! I was about to take my mum from the hospital and drive to the Provincial hospital, when things changed.

I have never been so scared in my life before. My mum was in heart failure and here the medical aid was scaring the hell out of me. I kept my faith in God and trusted that things would turn out for the better.

I think that it is natural that when you are scared and lost for decision making, you turn to someone you trust.

The only other person I thought of at that time, beside God, was my boss. At least he helped to point me in the right direction. I called the medical centre and no one was available. So I asked the operator to put me through to the CFO who gave me the contact deatils of the account manager for our medical aid.

After two hours it was sorted out and my mom was admitted to ICU. After a week of being in hospital, she was discharged on Friday and on the same day, I was involved in a car accident - again!

This time my son was in the car with me. I was on my way to taking him to school. Thank God beside whiplash injuries, we were not seriously injured.

I stopped behind a car that was giving way to another car, and a mini bus taxi came crashing into the back of me. Thankfully with the insurance etc, everything was sorted, but the mini Bus taxi driver was being so aggressive that we had to wait for the cops to arrive as he was not giving us any of his license details or insurance details.


All was sorted, and after my car was towed in to the approved panel beaters I was given a courtesy car, which then helped to fetch my mom from the hospital.

I was also not happy with the car I was given. To me it is a high risk vehicle - a Citi Golf, and the contract that I signed states that should the car be stolen, I am liable for a paying R2.5K. The cars in this fleet range do not have an alarm system, immobiliser, or gear lock, and I am supposed to ensure the car remains safe! I will be taking that up with the insurance as well!

I had to face challenges as well in getting her medicaiton as well. I had to cancel her script and drive to another pharmacy and there I got her mediation on credit at half the price.

Thank God that I now have a second job which will help.

To continue my tradtion of writing of the things I am grateful for:
I am grateful that my son and I did not sustain injuries in the car accident
I am grateful for the insurance cover I have
I am grateful that my mom is now getting proper treatment for her lung condition.

I am grateful for all the people in my life.

You Should Be in the Military

You are driven, focused, and an extremely hard worker. And while you can be ruthless in getting what you want, you also have a compassionate side. You are able to balance your own desires with the needs of others. You'll do almost anything to get the job done, but you're not willing to step on anyone's toes. You do best when you: - Are working with others - Are in a fast paced environment You would also be a good CEO or school principal.

Gee... This is very much on the head!

Relationships

I am sure that at some stage in your lives, you have experienced a family fued. My years growing up was filled with stuff like that. Then somehow, when I grew up, was married off and then divorced, I was isolated from family. That process alone was a fued...

But as the years passed on, certain family members started to communicate to me. There were times when I became their comfort zone. They confided in me.
Then, yesterday, of all days, I was sort of accused of casuing a rift between an already grown apart relationship between sisters. I am their cousin.

The conclusion of that argument was that the sister was still calling the other sister after my discussion - it was a mis understanding that my discussion with one sister might have caused a rift as the sister stoped calling the other sister. It wasn't anything I said.

Now - my take on this is that we are all responsible for our own relationships. We should not look for people to blame our broken relationships on. We either make or break or maintain our relationships depending on the value of the relationship in our lives. We decide who we want and don't want in our lives.

A lot of the time, people will come to you with warnings "Oh be careful of that one..." But you know what? My take is, "I'll make that decision for myself, thank you" In the process of discovering the person, you learn a lot and depending on how compassionate, (sometimes gullable) you are, you befriend.... then not always, but sometimes, you are hurt... then you make the call of how close or how far away from you, you would prefer the relationship to be. Take the risk of being hurt - it's worth it for your own benefit.


We are not here to judge people by others opinions, we are masters of our own lives.... we are strong enough to make decisions in our lives - and mature enough to live with the consequences. Remember we are all imperfect, our purpose here is to grow... and learn... one second at a time and hopefully become wiser to give sound advice to our children/grandchildren and others.


Christmas...
On the 24 Dec 07 around 10 pm.... just after I posted my journal entry, I was struck by a very high fever and I ended up with gastric flu. I was as sick as a dog the whole night and during the afternoon the fever broke and so I was starting to feel better. But I still invited my cousin to spend the day with us and despite that argument, it all ended well.

I am getting well acquainted with my new toilet :-). For those who I have not kept updated... I moved house on the 14 Dec 07. I sold my little house and I am now renting. Someday, I will buy my dream house...


Food
I often bake. Especially for my kids and for my team at work. I bake muffins and cup cakes and a host of other goodies. Now with moving into this new place, the stove top works but the oven doesn't work too well. Two days after we moved in, I made Macaroni & Cheese for the kids - what a disappointment. The cheese did not turn golden brown on the top as I normally make it - the dish was in the overn for 30 minutes and the cheese only did a melting job!

So usually for Christmas, I make a roast lamb leg, a stuffed roast chicken with trimmings... this year, we couldn't, so we ended up doing a braai - BBQ. But because I had gastric flu, I lived on Orange Juice for the whole day!

2008

If you add 2 + 0 + 0 + 8 = 10
If you add 1 + 0 = 1

The number 1 in Chinese Numerology means "The Best"

2008 is going to be best of the best that any one of us has experienced. I would like to believe that more so now, than ever before.

I have looked at 2007 very carefully. I revisited every thing that happened - good & bad... :-) It's amazing how each challenge has been more harrowing than the other, but yet, I am sitting on my bed, in one piece, to revisit everything and still say.... "It wasn't that bad". I think it's because there were just as many good things that came my way to balance things out. The highlight of good events was being able to play a cricket match at the Team's Christmas party!

Has the Universe ever stuck you as your own personal Gene? Be careful what you wish for, for if you so desire that wish passionately, your wish will be a command to the universe to fulfil. If things don't work out the way you intended, there is always a time lapse of an unknown period, before your desires are fulfilled. The key is to work at what you desire diligently.

During the move of my house, I found a lot of stuff from way back in 1996 - old restaurant table bills from my waitressing years with compliments on good service, a note book when I was unemployed after my contract with IBM ended - I smiled as I read an item on my "To Do" list in 2002 - "Find price for BCom Degree". Another item on my "To do" list "Interview with Indra Bhana, IBM South Africa" - The then RESO Manager.

The Universe has thrown each and every one of you in my life for a reason. To me Procurement was a very intimidating place to work in. I wondered quietly if I will ever be able to work in Procurement - I underestimated myself. Although this will sound like an excuse for lack of self confidence, but when you are told everyday for six years of your life, that you are stupid, an idiot and a burden that will not amount to anything at all, you tend to believe it to be true. Hence, it is a rule in my home - no name calling. If my kids call each other "stupid", "idiot" or even "fool" - they are grounded.

I also found old Secretary's day cards that were given to me by my ex bosses. It is only now that when I read those cards again, that I believed sincerely in those hand written words and accepted with grace those amazing compliments. At the time, I thought "Yeah right...."

I have come a long way. I have yet a long way to go. This time I am not going to wait around for things to change. There is only a limit to wait and see. I cannot do this for the rest of my life. It's time I seized the reigns of my life in my own hands and make my life happen. Without the guidance of God, I know I won't make it, but I have faith and trust in God - and I know it and feel it. I am ready for abundance in prosperity, good health, wealth and joy!

Bring it on!

My life is so exciting and full of adventure. I am extremely blessed to have the opportunity to talk about it.


My Mother has not been feeling well over a few weeks. It so happened on the 12 Sept 07, her condition worsended.

I had become a permanent employee on the 01 March 07. I was given a benefit - Medical Aid with Discovery. I decided to put my mom on as a dependent. I have been contributing for her as a dependent since 01 March 07.

So when her condition worsened, the doctor told me that I need to take my mom to the hospital.

On the 13 Sept 07, I took her to the Casualty section of our Provincial hospital, Helen Joseph to be stabalised. I arrived at 10am and my mom was given admission to a ward at 8:30pm.

It was quite an ordeal but I managed. I have also been ill - I think I probably have bronchitus. But it's amazing that when you are stressed, that no matter how ill you are, you actually get the energy to do the impossible.

I was all over the place, fighting with Discovery Medical Aid, running to buy my mum something to eat, fetching kids from school and then in between checking up on work to keep to a deadline...

Once my mom was admitted, I had to ensure I keep checking in with her and so I had to visit her every day.

Then something else hit me by surprise. My son was caught in a situation which needed my full attention. That was pretty stressful too. Now, his punishment is set for every Saturday between 8:30am - 12noon.

Last night on my way to see my mom in the hospital, my car broke down! I was stranded for about an hour on the street.

Last night of all nights, both my daughter's phone and my phone was dead. I had to knock on a few doors to get help. I left my kids in the car and went searching for help.

The first house, was a bit surprising. The dogs were wagging their tails and squealing as if they knew me and wanted to desperately "hug" me.

The second house was behind such strict security that I couldn't even get anyone's attention.

The third house - the lady was a bit scared to speak to me. So I left. The forth house was also behind gates and chains and no matter how much I rattled the chain on the gates, nothing happened.

The forth house - same story... no one could hear me.

The fifth house - was lucky. Blessed if I could say the least. It was a family - a young couple with two kids and a mother living with them. They were all so wonderfully caring, warm, patient and concerned. They offered more hospitality than was necessary.

The man lent me his cell phone to make calls - and ofcourse with technology nowadays, you let your phone memorise your cell phone contacts. So I swopped sims in the dark on the street and dropped the sim on the tar road. I almost lost the sim - my kids started to search for it and they found it! Lucky!

when I was invited into the house, he got his wife's cell phone charger plugged in and let me charge my phone and try call people I thought could help me.

The Roadside assistance that I am supposed to have with the insurance I am paying, was not reachable. The phone number was invalid! I was flabbagasted.

*yawn* I started this Journal entry this morning at 8:22am....I have been sorting out a whole list of things for today... and it is now 10:40 pm and I am very tired... I am going to bed and will continue this adventure tomorrow....

Goodnight.

I woke up with a very sore throat on saturday morning - my intention to attend the 7am spinning class was officially thrown out the window.

I had to drive my kids around to their extra mural plans at school and friends. I had some spare moments to indulge in studying but I was feeling so ill that I could not concentrate.

I did a little bit of work and then did round two of taxi-ing the kids back home.

At around 8pm, I took some flu medication and decided that my day had to end there. I went to bed setting my alarm for the next morning thinking that I should be better to attend the 8am spinning class at gym... so when my cell phone said "10 hrs to alarm time" - I was thrilled!

At around 11pm I awoke with a throbbing headache - by midnight I had to take more pain killers for my headache, and ofcourse, I couldn't sleep that well after that.

10 hrs of sleep - a rare opporunity and ruined....

I spent most of today trying to study (not much absorbed) and trying to rest at the same time - fever is bad and I feel limp.

I am in the middle of reading a corporate document and I stopped at this sentence: "The company's customers deserve our highest respect"

Highest respect

I don't understand that.

In my understanding and the spiritual world that I live in, Respect, Trust, Compassion, understanding are all and the same as love - unconditional. You as an individual possess these values or you don't. They are either there unconditionally or not there at all. As a great soul that you are, you DO possess these values unconditionally.

As individuals we are prohibited to feel unconditionaly because of trained in fears from childhood. Get in touch with your soul, it knows better *wink*

There is no measurable against trust - you cannot trust a little nor can you trust a lot or even partially trust. You just trust, full stop.

You cannot feel someone else's pain a little, you feel it because you have experienced a situation similair to theirs or just like theirs and so you fully understand - you have complete compassion for them.

There is a distinct difference between respect and fear. Most people see fear as respect. Respect does not have scales - high, medium or low. Respect is to hold someone in your view with esteem.

The same applies with Love. There is no measurable for it. You either love unconditionally or superficially. It's either there or not there at all.

It is rather difficult to describe what love is - but from a spiritual persective, it is pure, it is light, it is divine and it is unconditional.

So, saying that we should treat our customers with the "highest respect", I personally regard the word "highest" to be an unnecessary adjective.

Today at work, I learned that someone had resigned on Friday. It was a shock to me and so I could understand what my Manager must have felt like on Friday. He mentioned something which made me move into observation mode and self introspection mode.

He spoke of himself now going into crisis mode to sort out the burning fires with the one important head gone.

Observation
I observed my manager and his behaviour :
Behind closed doors,
All to himself almost all day,
Withdrawn,
Aloof, and
Seemed as if he was a cocktail of emotions (disappointed, calm, happy, sad, edgy, withdrawn but approachable)

Self Introspection
What do I do when there is a crisis?

I cut off my presence on my journal
I cut off my interaction with people in my immediate environment (work & home)
I withdraw
I become aloof
I become a thinking, strategising machine
I also become a cocktail of emotions (Edgy, impatient, wanting to fix the situation ASAP, Sad, more hopeless than hopeful, calm)
I seek advice and guidance from people who are not in my immediate surrounding
I feel hopeless

I am not really a "Oh My God!!! What am I going to do now" type person. I become exteremly thoughtful, strategic and invaded with unmeasurable amounts of adrenalin which help me fix what I need to fix in my own time. In my dealings with the "problem" I become forceful, aggressive and sometimes feel like Superwoman - invincible. Sometimes though when I feel I am at a loss, I lack energy, morale and motivation and then I sit in silence and sometimes I stop all thinking completely.

Crisis mode / Crisis situation calls upon the human trait that is most dominant in the behaviour - at least this is my opinion.

I found this website on Crisis behaviour and thought it to be very informative.

A while back I wondered why I was content in an environment which might not necessarily be ideal for me. I could be comfortable and content anywhere, Why is this? I also gave the answer at the time to being my lack of experience in life. Everything seems exciting and new to me. Upon thinking about that, I reliase its not the right answer.

It's not because I have experienced so little in life that makes me content with my surroundings although it may not be my ideal environment. I realise now, that perhaps it's because I am quite calm and serene. You probably guessed right.... my next question is, why am I calm and serene? Just a few days ago, on the weekend to be exact, I was driving my daughter to Pretoria to attend the Pretoria Boys High Matric Dance with a friend. We were half way to Pretoria when she started to look through her huge collection of bags, and clothes and realised that she left her evening bag back home.

I kept driving calmly and every now and then asked "have you found it?" She stopped looking and sat back and said "If there is anything that I have learned from you and love, it's to be calm, not panic and to improvise" I thought that was a huge compliment. I smiled and kept driving as she found ways of how she was going to carry her cell phone, lipstick and the after party clothes.

So, I am afraid, I can't answer the question as to why am I calm and serene... I suppose it's because my soul is older and wiser than I am and it has probably been around longer than I have .... I feel blessed.

I have often spoken about the Koi pond we have at work, quite frequently on my journal. I have the pleasure of presenting a few pictures.

Last year sometime - September 2006, the circus was in town. One morning after gym, I stopped at the circus camp site and went to visit the elephants.






I spent about 30 minutes watching them eat.

The Sunrise picture taken in March 2005 at 6am on our way to work ad school! Finally posting.



Sun through the clouds



Sunset




This flower was the only one in full bloom next to the diesel generator at work.




A very tall, lonely sunflower peeping over a fence. Picture taken on my way home from work and school with the kids at 5pm

This morning, I left home with my kids as usual and dropped my son off at school and dropped my daughter off at a friend's house. She is spending a few days there. It's her school holidays.

I spent the morning with our SHE consultant doing a visual SHE audit. I suppose I thought I could manage walking on my usual 10cm high heels during the audit - WRONG! I should have remembered that when doing inspections and audits that require walk abouts, the best thing to wear, is flat comfy shoes!

My feet were killing me! Even the consultant noticed that I was starting to limp!

I was glad that after the two hour walk about, I had a 1 and a half hour conference call - which required sitting at my desk with the comfort of slightly loosening my shoes.

This evening when I got home, a little after supper, I got an SMS from my daughter "Hey Mum check the moon :-)" I appreciated that very much!

My daughter knows I am a nature admirer. The moon rising, the sun rising and setting, the clouds, the rainbow, rows and rows of trees that form arches, a carpet of lilac jacaranda flowers spread across the ground - it's all just so beautiful! So I look a walk outside, and wow! The Moon was huge and yellow and it looked gorgeous.

A few weeks ago, at 6:45am on our way to school and work one morning, the moon was setting in the west. Huge and absolutely beautiful. We tried to take pictures with my cell phone but with moving along in traffic it was not possible to get a good view.

Here is the best we could get:




At work a few days ago, I managed to take pictures of the geese and the Koi.

I will share the pictures soon.